Crater Lake To Stanley, Day 9 : Amusement

Okay, fellow nerds, take a look at this picture. What is this shop selling?

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Yeah, that’s what I thought!

I’m pedaling into a headwind, going about half the speed I usually do, through a long twisty canyon. Since the terrain is moving very slowly, I put on an audiobook: The Affair Of The Bloodstained Egg Cosy. Turns out to be an engagingly written whodunit, painted from the Agatha Christie paintbox. The descriptions of austere English countryside and dark manor houses is a severe contrast to my environment, but that kind of adds to the appeal.

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Crater Lake To Stanley, Day 8 : Discomfort

Today is a day of hills. After a long flat stretch, I climb a hill, then another larger hill, and then I go blasting down into a valley and lose all my altitude. At the end of the valley the road slowly tilts upward, more and more, until it plunges down again and I find myself at the base of a narrow valley, looking up at an absolutely enormous hill. By this time it’s late in the day and I’m low on water, and as I roll slowly up to the base I begin weighing my options for camping somewhere nearby, so I can tackle the hill in the morning. But the valley is bowl-shaped, so any flat space I could choose is in plain view of the highway. I’m not keen on being a roadside camper, visible to a thousand curious yahoos and policemen. So up I go, at two miles per hour.

Halfway up the extremely sloping road I stop to rest and gather my wits. I’m feeling a bit faint from the exertion. I had plenty of sleep the previous night, and I stuffed my face with food, but my body is falling behind my energy demands.

I sit down on a retaining wall, even though my butt is a bit sore, because I’m having trouble standing. I want to lay down directly on the road instead, but that would cause motorists to pull over and ask worried questions. I chomp mechanically on a bag of fritos, then some peanut butter crackers, then some juice and water. The food disappears into me, and my hunger is totally unchanged.

Oh well. Nowhere to go but up. I rest and meditate for a while longer, enjoying the sunset colors and waiting for the juice to kick in, then I climb back onto the bike and pedal on.

At my second rest break, I sip water slowly, waiting for my body to cook more energy out of the food in my gut. My mind wanders and I have an interesting realization: My body is managing itself, and I am managing my body, in a way that is totally unlike the way I’ve been doing things for 99 percent of my life.

Usually, I pass my time in a world brimming with calories, and my only sense of hunger is the sense of having a digestive system with nothing to do, and a calorie deficit of half a day at the most. Out here, I am not only experiencing a chronic calorie deficit, I am keeping myself in such constant motion that my body is having difficulty converting energy fast enough to keep me functioning on an hour by hour basis.

The physiology behind this is interesting. Without going into too much detail, I can describe it this way: My entire body runs on glucose. Glucose is digested out of the food I eat, swims around in my bloodstream, and is slurped up and used as needed. I can also store extra fuel in my body, mostly in my liver, in the form of glycogen. As long as I have enough glycogen around, it doesn’t matter how fast I get ahold of glucose, because I can convert the glycogen I have stored back into glucose to make up for the deficit and keep pedaling along. Typically, my body has around a 12-hour supply of glycogen, and it can refill the tank as I digest overnight.

But now I’m out here, and I’ve been pedaling for as much as 12 hours a day, one day after the other. My glycogen level is low, because all the glucose I make during the day is being sucked up and burned by my muscles before my liver can get ahold of it and make more glycogen. If I sit down and concentrate, I can feel that lowness, as a kind of low-grade hunger that’s curiously different from the hunger I usually experience. Usually I feel hunger as a sensation that comes up from my stomach and my gut – a message that the assembly line of digestion is empty, and wasting time. In the usual scenario, my liver may be depleted of glycogen, but that’s because it’s dumped it all out over the course of the day, making sure that the rest of my body gets as much as it wants.

But now my body – every part of it – is not getting as much as it wants. Everything is fighting for glucose, and the liver is being conservative with what little supply it has, because it has to keep a minimum safe level, to keep my heart beating and my lungs working, for an unknown length of time. It could be disastrous to dump all the reserves in.

So now, I feel hunger as a sensation from all over my body. Not the soreness of lactic acid – the ache of overused muscle – but a kind of emptiness, even a feeling of suction, as though my whole body were a giant drink straw, trying to suck food into itself and re-inflate.

For the first time in many years, I feel as though I could gulp down an entire bottle of soda, and feel no sugar-high whatsoever.

Here in Juntura, I’ve just checked into the second worst hotel room of the trip. It’s really bad. I think it used to be a shipping container, but the interior has been lined with sheetrock, vinyl, and lumpy carpet. It has three windows, but all three of them have been covered over with huge sheets of transparent plastic, staplegunned to the walls. I’m not sure if it’s for heat retention purposes or just to increase the weird factor, but the bugs have taken it as an opportunity to set up shop and transform each windowsill into a little sealed terrarium. With the spiders, the silverfish, the moths, the tiny centipedes, and the sunlight, there is a fairly complete biosphere at work here.

But like I said, this is the second worst room. The worst room was in Burns. (The one in Wagontire was free, so I’m not counting it.) The redeeming factors that this room has over the one in Burns are:

  • The beds do not block the door and are not nailed to the floorboards.
  • The fridge is full-size and there is a microwave and a television, and some additional outlets.
  • The shower isn’t repulsive, once you bang on it and scare out the spiders.
  • The air is actually fresher and warmer than in Burns.

Strange but true. I find myself liking the room, despite the abundance of critters with more than four legs. I feel like I am their guest for the night — as if I might find a folded card on the toilet tank that reads, “Welcoem to bug rume, wee hoep U liek or aminneteys, signd, The Bugs.”

I arrange my sleeping bag on one of the beds, and spread my sweater out to make a pillow. I plug the laptop in to charge, start a playlist of piano music, and quickly fall asleep.

Crater Lake To Stanley, Day 8 : Curiosity

I get up and out of the hotel room with no trouble. Before leaving I drink a prodigious amount of water, shower, and fill my water sack, but forget to fill my canteen.

Then I zig-zag out the east side of Burns towards the long 20-mile flat stretch of Highway 20. Before I get to the highway I have to pass down some long, barren streets that have probably sectioned out active farms in the past, but now just run through empty fields gone to seed. In a dirt lot between two corners of an unmarked intersection, I notice a beat-up truck with a guy sitting in the cab and another disheveled guy sitting in the back. They seem a little menacing, until one of them waves hello at me, and I raise my hand in return. The other man raises his hand in response to mine. And with the greeting ritual complete, I relax and ride on.

It sets me to wondering, though – does my own presence make people nervous? For a few days in the desert, I had to wear a scarf across my face to keep my sunburn from getting worse, and I must have looked exactly like a terrorist. … Well, a terrorist pedaling a recumbent bike.

And yet, I still got plenty of waves and smiles from passing cars. Go figure.

Soon I turn right, onto Highway 20, aka the Central Oregon Highway. I am treated to a gentle downhill grade, and zoom along at 16 miles per hour for a while. I play through Slim Westerns again, then I put the iPod in shuffle mode and come up with the ancient radio version of Har-De-Har-Har, The Ballad Of The Typical Asshole, performed by DJ Zog in another era.

That segues into one of Zog’s noise shows, and that propels me all the way across the flatlands. Just before the hills begin I pause to drink water and eat a red bell pepper, and some curious horses come moseying up to the fence for a look.

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Sorry, horses, I don’t have any snacks for you.

About an hour later I’ve ridden up to Oard’s Gallery and Museum, the only real building in the “town” of Buchanan. It’s at the foot of an extremely steep hill, so I decide to take a break. I guzzle some water and buy some snacks and a soda, and spend a few minutes petting the big old snaggletoothed orange cat that walks around on the display counters, then go on a little tour of the museum.

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There’s a lot of stuff crammed into a very small space here.

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Some of it is for sale … but I have zero interest in purchasing. Anything I buy would have to be hauled hundreds of miles on a bicycle.

Bike touring gives you a very different perspective about souvenirs.

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Outside the rest stop I chat with a guy refueling his motorcycle. He’s wearing a black leather jacket with broad shoulders, over a T-shirt with a noir-style Popeye drawn on it, striking a thoughtful pose.

“Stanley Idaho, eh?” he says. “My old hunting grounds. Beautiful place. You’ll like it there.”

He zooms off on the motorbike, which is far too quiet and agile to be an American vehicle, taking only a few seconds to ascend the hill that’s going to take me half an hour to climb.

Crater Lake To Stanley, Day 8 : Amusement

At a roadside shop called Oard’s Gallery, I find the oldest bottle of Mountain Dew I’ve ever seen:

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Advertising sure has changed, huh? Can you imagine a modern soft drink can showing a man with a gun, running into an outhouse?

The same roadside stop evidently has a problem with classical composers and plumbing:

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Once I leave the museum I begin ascending a series of steep, exhausting hills. To pass the time, I continue listening to my collection of DJ Zog’s noise shows, arranged in reverse-chronological order. The higher I climb, the older the shows get, until finally I’m at the summit of a mountain. As I take the following picture, Zog is in my earphones screaming about the loss of his fantastic dancing cow, Bessie, who could do the polka, the cha-cha, and also drive a car. Late in the program she enters the spirit world and drives Tammy Fake Bakker over a cliff.

I’m very pleased with myself.
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I’m very pleased with myself.

I am in Juntura, sitting at the counter of the Oasis Restaurant, Motel, and RV Park. Terry the cook, a huge red-headed man in a yellow shirt, has just refilled my cup of icewater for the second time. I have consumed an incredible amount of water this day.

A group of leather-clad men have cruised up on a variety of motorcycles, and are now standing around at the counter, trying to decide whether to stay and eat. The most talkative man, a short, broad-chested fellow with well-groomed facial hair, strikes up a conversation with me about the route. I’m heading East, and his group is heading West. I learn that he is originally from Quebec, and speaks fluent French, but moved down to Miami years ago.

“Why’d you move?” I ask.

“I just got tired of the snow,” he says, and laughs.

“So you traded the snow for the heat?”

“Well, not really. When it gets real hot I just drive north again. So I’ve ended up going back and forth for years.”

We chat some more, and Terry brings the man some lemonade. “Here ya go. Great for this hot weather. It was up over a hundred today. Hundred and ten in places.”

“I’d believe it,” I say, and gulp more water.

“Pretty hot,” agrees the man.

“So, what’s worse,” I ask him, “the heat here or the heat in Miami?”

“The heat in Miami. Actually not just the heat, it’s the humidity. The humidity just kills you.”

Terry asks, “How far have you ridden?”

The man says, “3500 miles in eight days.”

Terry whistles.

“Oh yeah?” I say. “I’ve ridden about … 300 miles in eight days!”

We all have a good laugh over that.

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Later on I’m talking about phone coverage, and technology, with a patron at a nearby table. Terry is back at the counter moving glasses around.

“So, see, it’s a phone,” I say, and show the man the virtual keypad. “And it also does maps,” I say, and I open up a map of Juntura and scroll around. “And it also takes photos,” I say, and show him a picture of the road from a few days ago. I pinch the picture to zoom it, which makes the man blink in surprise.

“That is amazing,” says the man.

Terry leans over the counter and says, “You can tell we don’t get out much around here.”

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Crater Lake To Stanley, Day 7 : Curiosity

I’m on my way out of Wagontire. I’ve had a solid breakfast and a nice chat with the young girl who is granddaughter to Wagontire’s only permanent resident. (She brings the total population of Wagontire up to 2.) She’s in an unfortunate situation – her body is maturing much faster than her mind, and she’s rebelled against the trappings of womanhood and become a tomboy, and started hanging out mostly with boys, which unfortunately exposes her to a greater portion of the physical pressure and deceit that young boys can exhibit. I wanted to warn her about this, but couldn’t find a way to steer the conversation there without coming across to her grandmother as a creep.

Anyway, I’m back on the road, pedaling towards Burns on Highway 395. “Slim Westerns” is my theme music for this terrain, and I’m most of the way through the album. The water in my bandanna and gloves is almost entirely gone.

I stop at the top of a large hill and pee on the highway. It’s taken me a while I get used to peeing right out in the open; in high desert there’s no shelter to hide behind, and no trees to pee against, except perhaps the telephone poles. So you just stand any old where and let ‘er rip, and hope there aren’t any electric cars on the road, since you can’t hear those thing coming.

I get back on board and coast down the hill, and begin slowly climbing the next one, a long shallow incline several miles long. Near the top, I glance in my rear-view mirror and see a dark shape coming up slowly behind me along the side of the road. Immediately the Stephen King story “The Long Walk” elbows into my mind, and I laugh out loud at myself, then shove the vision back out of my mind. Just what I need – Death himself striding up the shoulder after me.

After a few minutes the shape slowly resolves into two shapes, weaving in and out of each other. I pull my headphones out and turn my head to listen, and hear no engine noise, and no farting of Harleys. It must be bicyclists. If they’re cycling out in this wasteland, they must be on an extended tour. Hot damn, my second encounter with fellow tourers!

Eventually they draw up alongside me. It’s two young men, in t-shirts and bicycle pants. They’re on upright bikes with what I would consider a light amount of gear strapped to them. One is bearing a gallon jug of water with a screw-top lid, bungee corded to a rack. With each stroke of his pedals the bike swings, causing the water to slosh around. They’re ascending the hill much faster than I am, because they’re standing up on their pedals. Ah the impatience of youth. Quietly I worry for their survival in this heat, with no helmets and a half-gallon of water to share.

I wave, and shout “Where ya headed?”

“Yellowstone!”

“Cool!”

“And you?”

“Stanley, Idaho!”

They quickly outdistance me, on their lighter bikes and younger legs.

Hours later, I descend into the town of Riley. The entire town consists of one large general store, thrown together at a T-junction in a patch of cropland. I coast over to the entrance and discover that the two kids I’d seen earlier in the day are here, splayed out on a wooden bench, slowly eating ice cream cups. Each has purchased a bottle of spring water and drained it. Their bikes are laid on the ground near some bushes, and I dismount and kickstand my bike near theirs, behind a motorcycle. The owner of the motorcycle is sitting on another bench, chatting with the two boys.

“Fancy meeting you guys here!” I say. They laugh. “Of course, there’s only one road out of here, to the east, so it was kind of bound to happen.”

I pull my empty canteen off my seat and walk into the store. I purchase a root beer, some chips, and a couple of bananas, then hold up the canteen and ask, “Is there a place I can fill this with water?” The woman at the register directs me to a sink, and I fill the canteen and then soak my bandanna, gloves, and the arms of my shirt up to the shoulders.

Outside I place the canteen back behind my seat. One of the boys examines it with an expression like, “Why didn’t I think of that?!” I chat with them for a while, and take their picture.

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Feeling less taciturn now, one of them asks if I can help him with the rack on his bike. A strut is broken and he’s had to apply copious duct-tape to it; and the bag still slides off. I hand him the large zipties I’d brought in my repair bag, wishing that I’d remembered to pack some actual rack hardware like I’d intended to. He thanks me sincerely and sets to work on the rack. Looks like I’ve made some friends.

It’s funny; the desire to help fellow bike tourers is curiously intense, and it even extends to other people on the road who aren’t touring. I find myself interested in helping strangers that I would usually ignore, and taking action for them that would usually seem like too much of an inconvenience. For example, what if my own rack breaks now? I have no zipties to field-repair it. But here’s a broken rack right in front of me. The zipties should be used; it doesn’t matter that it’s not my rack.