Australia and Tasmania: The Cemetery wooOOOOooo!

Today’s excursion: The Melbourne General Cemetery.

Today's excursion: The Melbourne General Cemetery.

There’s a good chunk of history here.

There's a good chunk of history here. ... As well as a good chunk of creepy!

… As well as a good chunk of creepy!

One Halloween, when I was a kid, I was given a maze to color in at school. It was a graveyard in the woods, with the tombstones leaning crazily around, and ghosts and skeletons capering. I decided I would draw my own version of the maze, by tracing shapes out of it, one at a time, onto a new piece of paper. As I went I became enthralled with the idea of a graveyard maze that stretched to infinity - an endless recombination of the same few elements, and the real trick was, it was a three-dimensional place, and if you stood in any spot and took a flat photograph of what you saw, the photograph would make a two-dimensional maze, with an entrance and an exit. Walking around here brought back that memory, and that idea.

One Halloween, when I was a kid, I was given a maze to color in at school. It was a graveyard in the woods, with the tombstones leaning crazily around, and ghosts and skeletons capering. I decided I would draw my own version of the maze, by tracing shapes out of it, one at a time, onto a new piece of paper. As I went I became enthralled with the idea of a graveyard maze that stretched to infinity – an endless recombination of the same few elements, and the real trick was, it was a three-dimensional place, and if you stood in any spot and took a flat photograph of what you saw, the photograph would make a two-dimensional maze, with an entrance and an exit.

Walking around here brought back that memory, and that idea.

"The Werewolf", by Angela Carter, describes graveyards as "those bleak and touching townships of the dead."

“The Werewolf”, by Angela Carter, describes graveyards as “those bleak and touching townships of the dead.”

Spiders are SRS BSNS here, too.

Spiders are SRS BSNS here, too.

I don't know what happened to Tom Askew or his parents, but I suspect they were lost at sea.

I don’t know what happened to Tom Askew or his parents, but I suspect they were lost at sea.

The Jewish quarter.

The Jewish quarter.

Buried here, we find three of the four people who headed the first Western expedition to cross the continent of Australia.

Buried here, we find three of the four people who headed the first Western expedition to cross the continent of Australia.

Walter Lindrum was the founder and first president of the Sportsmen's Association of Australia. The grave is cleverly designed - the pockets in the "pool table" have tiny holes in them so the table doesn't fill with water.

Walter Lindrum was the founder and first president of the Sportsmen’s Association of Australia. The grave is cleverly designed – the pockets in the “pool table” have tiny holes in them so the table doesn’t fill with water.

A closer look...

One more look at that super-creepy statue…

As part of my Australia adventure, I decided to eat as the Australians eat. I decided that this meant eating lots of fish and chips. Sea Salt served their fish thickly battered, and made the chips nice and crispy for me, even though soggy chips are more traditional.

As part of my Australia adventure, I decided to eat as the Australians eat. I decided that this meant eating lots of fish and chips. “Sea Salt” served their fish thickly battered, and made the chips nice and crispy for me, even though soggy chips are more traditional.

(I decided I had to stop being vegan in November, when my symptoms were extremely bad. I’ve still strongly de-emphasized dairy, and I don’t like milk. My symptoms have improved in the last month. I may try for vegan again at some point, since I suspect the improvement was for unrelated reasons.)

I'm a bike nerd, and I thought this bike was nifty, so here you go!

I’m a bike nerd, and I thought this bike was nifty, so here you go!

Australia and Tasmania: Biking Around Mel-Bun

These crosswalk signs are all over the city, and I find them very cute!

These crosswalk signs are all over the city, and I find them very cute!

Celia took me on an adventure to the local shops. “Hipster”, here, doesn’t seem to have the instant negative connotation that it has been accumulating in the ‘states.

THE CANDY AISLE!!!!

OMG!!!

I bought five candy bars here, all types I’d never seen before, and was so impatient to try them that I chomped one during the walk home. Tasty stuff!

Sticky fig pudding, OMG!!!

No, I didn’t buy it, but I was very amused to see a freakin’ FIG PUDDING invoke internet buzzwords to describe itself. I wonder how long we’ll wait before a supermarket product like, say, hand soap, bears the acronym “OMFG”. Or, a package of bologna proclaims “WTF???” (That would be appropriate.)

This bank NABbed some of my money as I was withdrawing it.

Hey, man, don't let life get you down. Just remember, everyone's a winner at the REJECT SHOP.

Hey, man, don’t let life get you down. Just remember, everyone’s a winner at the REJECT SHOP.

This shop sold a flashing LED Fish-and-Chips sign that I subsequently saw hanging in at least five shops around greater Melbourne.

Several of my adventures took me down the bike paths that connect most of the parks in Melbourne.

Several of my adventures took me down the bike paths that connect most of the parks in Melbourne.

Here’s one of the routes I took.

Just as much litter in these parks as any park in Oakland, unfortunately...

Just as much litter in these parks as any park in Oakland, unfortunately…

Again ... eight thousand miles away, and this could be a photo from Oakland.

Again … eight thousand miles away, and this could be a photo from Oakland.

Vacant land may be a rare opportunity in WestGarth, but who would want to build over that fine graffiti? They might attract the wrath of EKSIT !

Vacant land may be a rare opportunity in WestGarth, but who would want to build over that fine graffiti? They might attract the wrath of EKSIT !

Gay couple confidently out in public? If so, I find this encouraging.

Gay couple confidently out in public? If so, I find this encouraging.

I don't know what it means, but it's fun to look at.

I don’t know what it means, but it’s fun to look at.

Pigeons: The same the world over.

Pigeons: The same the world over.

Taking a post-ride break at the entrance to Celia's apartment. I had the Secret of Mana+ album playing on a loop in my headphones the entire day, and now it's thoroughly associated with this little warm, sunlit alcove.

Taking a post-ride break at the entrance to Celia’s apartment. I had the Secret of Mana+ album playing on a loop in my headphones the entire day, and now it’s thoroughly associated with this little warm, sunlit alcove.

One night Celia and I visited a friend’s house, and she spotted a huge spider on the wall. Spiders are Serious Business business in Australia – there are some common species that will cause necrosis from a bite, or nerve damage, or even kill you. Back in the ‘states I do everything I can do rescue spiders in the house, provided they don’t try to creep into my bed or establish themselves near it. Here, the rules are different. You don’t want critters this lethal anywhere near your living space.

Celia immediately removed her shoe and issued a smackdown.

Australia and Tasmania: The First Few Days

The customs process was easy. Two officials asked me to open my bike box so they could inspect the bike tires for dangerous types of soil, and I complied.

Celia met me at the passenger exit zone. I used a handcart to pull the box over to her car, and had a minor brainmelt when I saw that the steering wheel was on the right-hand side. From there I was in a state of constant wonder, watching all the cars around me, driving on the left. “I’m in Australia!!” I kept exclaiming.

Celia laughed, and told some stories about her own travels abroad. She drove me through a maze of streets and highways to her apartment complex.

Then, she led the way while I hauled the bike box up to her living room, and cracked it open. Everything looked great! While reassembling the bike I discovered that the rear wheel had a broken spoke, so Celia and I walked a few blocks down to a bike shop and I dropped the wheel off for repairs. Then we walked further, to a phone store, to get a SIM for the iPad. They didn’t sell them. Bah! So, undaunted, we caught the bus across the street to downtown Melbourne, and got a one-month 4GB SIM at a different shop. They needed an Australia-local ID and credit card for it, and Celia agreed to provide it, which was extremely nice I thought!

We went walking around. Celia took me to an awesome underground comic book and collectible shop, then to a lovely chocolate shop, then we stopped and watched a nifty street musician sing a few songs with his electric blues guitar. We took the tram back uptown to the apartment, and Celia helped me get established in her spare room. Then we went walking to a thai restaurant. I was amused to discover that westernized thai food on this side of the planet tastes just the same. Celia and I had great conversation and walked home late.

All in all, it was a wonderful first day in Melbourne, thanks in huge part to Celia. She rocks!!!

This is what a muni card looks like.

The next several days were a blur, of short exploratory bike trips, visits from Celia's friends, ("come over and meet the feral American I have trapped in my house!"), samplings of the local food and shops, and hanging out with Celia. I had some initial disorientation from jetlag, and this was replaced by a more general disorientation at being in a totally novel environment and cut off from everyone I knew. Eventually that wore off, and interestingly, what helped the most were the times when I was out exploring the city on my bike. I became keenly aware of how the bicycle, and all the gear on it, were intimately familiar to me, like a horse to its rider. It was my oversized purse, filled with toys and supplies. And when parked, it was my anchor.

The next several days were a blur, of short exploratory bike trips, visits from Celia’s friends, (“come over and meet the feral American I have trapped in my house!”), samplings of the local food and shops, and hanging out with Celia. I had some initial disorientation from jetlag, and this was replaced by a more general disorientation at being in a totally novel environment and cut off from everyone I knew. Eventually that wore off, and interestingly, what helped the most were the times when I was out exploring the city on my bike. I became keenly aware of how the bicycle, and all the gear on it, were intimately familiar to me, like a horse to its rider. Sometimes, after placing the kickstand and preparing to walk around, I would pat the bicycle on the seat before walking away, like saying “good job” a beloved animal.

Locals were extremely friendly, to me and to each other.  Men smiled and winked and nodded and gave double-thumbs-up, even when conducting business transactions.  The typical way to end a conversation was “no worries”. All this ebullience made me feel like I was behaving rudely by not grinning ear to ear. I guess I’m not as outgoing as I thought I was! My dress style is perfect though – shaved head and t-shirt is typical for men here. Maybe we’re all going for the Jason Statham look.

Everywhere I rode I saw a profusion of hearty pale-skinned women, many with red hair, and I found it difficult to avoid staring sometimes.  Usually I am a subtle ogler, unlike, say, my housemate Matt, but several times when I was walking downtown I had to stop what I was doing and crane my neck as someone passed by.  It’s a bit ironic having all these redheads living their lives in Australian seasons.  Celia herself is a pale redhead, and on intense days she walks around with a parasol to avoid being burned to a crisp by the summer sun.

What a bargain!!!

What a bargain!!!

Cooked meats, papers, and sweets!

Get your cooked meats, papers, and sweets!

Melbourne - and the surrounding towns it has absorbed - are host to some enchanting brickwork. Check out those decorations along the upper façade. They're very common, and a bit evocative of a mausoleum, and with my California eyes I couldn't help thinking that in an earthquake, these brick buildings would become just that: A giant mausoleum. But Melbourne is right in the middle of a huge tectonic plate, so, no worries.

Melbourne – and the surrounding towns it has absorbed – are host to some enchanting brickwork. Check out those decorations along the upper façade. They’re very common, and a bit evocative of a mausoleum, and with my California-biased eyes I couldn’t help thinking that in an earthquake, these brick buildings would become just that: A giant mausoleum. But Melbourne is right in the middle of a huge tectonic plate, so, no worries.

A house of this build, on a piece of property this narrow, will cost you about three hundred thousand dollars here. This is more than Oakland but less than San Jose and much less than San Francisco. The general cost of living is higher in this region as well - food and equipment are both slightly more expensive than California, which makes sense. On the other hand, wages are more balanced here. A teacher here makes between 35 and 65 thousand a year, based on experience. A teacher in the US makes between 20 and 55 thousand a year, based on region and experience (Worst: Montana. Best: California.) Source: www.educationworld.net/salaries_us.html . So, in effect, housing prices are a smaller portion of total income here. In all my riding around I did not pass through any region nearly as dangerous or degraded as Oakland. People will shout and rant but no one looked like they might actually try and kill me if I put a foot wrong (like I have felt multiple times in Oakland). For some crazy reason I still enjoy living in Oakland.

A house of this build, on a piece of property this narrow, will cost you about three hundred thousand dollars here. This is more than Oakland but less than San Jose and much less than San Francisco. The general cost of living is higher in this region as well – food and equipment are both slightly more expensive than I find in California, which makes sense. On the other hand, wages are more balanced here. A teacher here makes between 35 and 65 thousand dollars a year, based on experience. A teacher in the US makes between 20 and 55 thousand a year, based on region and experience (Worst: Montana. Best: California.) (Source.) So, in effect, housing prices are a smaller portion of total income here.

In all my riding around I did not pass through any region nearly as dangerous or degraded as Oakland. People will shout and rant but no one looked like they might actually try and kill me if I put a foot wrong (like I have felt multiple times in Oakland).

For some crazy reason I still enjoy living in Oakland.

A Melbourne alleyway leading to a roundabout.

A Melbourne alleyway leading to a roundabout.

Celia made her locally famous Lemon Delicious for a dinner party. Yum!

Celia made her locally famous Lemon Delicious for a dinner party. Yum!

Here Celia checks out a map on the iPad.

Celia checks out a map on the iPad.

Passing the iPad around the table. We all agreed to call it the Magic Book, as a nod to Diamond Age and Neal Stephenson, because "iPad" still sounds embarrassing.

Passing the iPad around the table. We all agreed to call it the Magic Book, as a nod to Diamond Age and Neal Stephenson, because “iPad” still sounds embarrassing.

Friends for dinner!

Celia and I.

Friends for dinner!

Chomping sandwiches. The poor kid was chomped my mosquitoes earlier in the week, but was in a good mood.

Chomping sandwiches. The poor kid was chomped by mosquitoes earlier in the week, but was in a good mood.

Australia and Tasmania: The Flight In

I had loads of time at the checkin. A visa to travel in Australia cost 25 bucks at the counter. There was no need to stamp my passport – the records were stored electronically. All these fresh, blank pages would have to remain blank, for now.

I stood in line for almost an hour, and I swear, the music played over the loudspeakers was deliberately selected to turn human brains into soggy mush. Overwrought love ballads and face-punching anthems about partying. First time, that Lady Gaga song is catchy. Second time, it’s a chore. Third time, it makes me grit my teeth and look for the speakers so I can cut them. I wore my headphones and listened to my own music, and felt better. In fact, since I had all day, and was officially on vacation time, I was in quite a good mood, despite my surroundings. I bopped along to my music and shoved my bicycle box ahead of myself on the carpet until I got to the front desk, where I checked the bike with no extra fees. The box was oversize but it qualified as “sporting equipment”. Hah!

The checkin line was long, but the security scan was easy. I grabbed four plastic trays, for my backpack, laptop, ipad, and shoes, and was through in a few minutes. I had no suitcase to be rummaged through, and I drank the rest of my water and pitched it into the trash just as I got to the checkpoint.

While walking around the LA airport I noticed something strange. I was surrounded by all kinds of people, but I noticed a “type” of person – a sequence of people so similar that they made a repeating pattern. The best name I could think of for the the type was “poodle women”. They had many of the following traits:

  • Soft sweatpants
  • A “clever” tattoo half concealed
  • A flawless and suspiciously even dark tan
  • Eye makeup
  • Long hair – blond or with bleached blond highlights
  • A shape conveying a slight aversion to exercise and a slight excess of drink (or, if you’re on a college campus, she’s in shape.)
  • An aloof, unfriendly manner, belying a nervous fear underneath.
  • “UGG” boots

She will not smile at you, she will not look directly at you except to check whether you are looking at her or to stare you down, and if she is in conversation, it will be with someone who looks just like her, about something totally inane. I saw five young women like this as I walked around the airport, so similar they may have been from the same family. What gives?

As the plane moved into position I saw an incredible sequence of blinking lights, strips, colored bars, and wavy lines on the tarmac. Each signal has a meaning that pilots or other airport staff need to know, and I imagine it takes a lifetime to learn all the details. And that is possible, since the system has been around for a lifetime at least. It certainly couldn’t have started this complex – it must have ratcheted up as the years went by.

I was flying V Australia, and the first thing I noticed were the instantly adorable accents of all the staff. I always listen to Pete Namlook’s “Autumn” on my iPod as a plane takes off, since it’s the perfect looong instrumental buildup, airy and profound, but I had to pause it for a while just to listen to the flight attendants talking. I’m sure in a few days of immersion this will not sound as unique, but for now, it tickles my ears.

Another thing that tickled me was the introductory video they broadcast on the displays embedded in the seats. “These long flights can knock you about a bit,” says the announcer. “So be sure to keep limber, by getting up and walking around the cabin when you can, and drink plenty of water.”

About 20 minutes into the flight, the girl sitting next to me pressed a few buttons on her display and began playing a 3-D driving game, using the control pad mounted just below. A driving game, in a seat-back display, on a plane. Worlds within worlds, maaaaan. While she played I noticed she had a scarf tied around one of her wrists. A motion-sickness pressure point, or just a fashion accessory?

V Australia also has adorable corporate banter on their dining utensils. This is the first time I have ever seen copy from an international airline that contains the phrase “No, you know what, screw it.”

It was cramped but livable. I listened to “The Wee Free Men”, then a big chunk of “Hat Full of Sky”. I didn’t want to bust into the new Pratchett book until I had reacquainted myself with the main character, Tiffany Aching.

The enormity of what I’m doing still hasn’t set in.  I’m traveling 8000 miles in 14 hours of flight, to a country on the other side of the Earth.  And I’m doing it because I feel like it.

I slept unevenly for quite a while, then woke up and looked out the window. I think this is somewhere over Fiji.

The little seat-back computer says it’s -48 degrees Fahrenheit outside, at 36,000 feet. Carraaazy, man.

A little heart of ice formed in the membrane between the two windows. Awww!

As the day brightened up and we passed over mainland Australia, the clouds got more serious.

Everything looks so flat from up here...

Descending now, but still quite a long way up…

Australia and Tasmania: Packing Continues

Still in Carlsbad, I bought some tools to round out my kit, then began to work on the bike. I listened to Terry Pratchett's "Wee Free Men" as an audiobook, and carefully considered each step as I went, fully intending to take all day long with this one task. I felt like a retiree restoring a classic car in his garage. I removed the front rack and set it apart since it would not be going to Australia. Then I repositioned the front headlight, and removed the seat post, the rear rack, both pedals, and both wheels.

Still in Carlsbad, I bought some tools to round out my kit, then began to work on the bike. I listened to Terry Pratchett’s “Wee Free Men” as an audiobook, and carefully considered each step as I went, fully intending to take all day long with this one task. I felt like a retiree restoring a classic car in his garage.

I removed the front rack and set it apart since it would not be going to Australia. Then I repositioned the front headlight, and removed the seat post, the rear rack, both pedals, and both wheels.

In Carlsbad my luggage went from stage 2 to stage 3: I packed up most of the items I would not be needing in Australia into my first backpack, and my Mom agreed to ship them north to Oakland for me. The passport and other documents had been mailed to Carlsbad, so I unwrapped all that, and sent some of it to Oakland and placed the rest in my backpack. I also unwrapped a new pair of shoes, and left my old pair and my ski jacket (used to stroll around looking for Santa) in Carlsbad. Then I unwrapped the box that held my bicycle shipping container, and assembled it slowly in the living room. This travel business is complicated!

At long last I found a configuration that got the entire bike into the box. Everything except the wheels goes on this first layer, then a plastic separator goes on top, then the wheels.

Slightly repacked gear, with my clothing around the bike as padding.

Slightly repacked gear, with my clothing around the bike as padding.

Up in the Simi Valley, my luggage went to stage 4: I split the contents of my suitcase, and packed one half into the bike box, and the other half into my backpack. Now my gear for Australia was contained in a single carry-on backpack, and a single checked oversize box. If the airline managed to lose my box, I would lose my bike and my laundry, but everything else would be safe. The trip could still be a success.

Here I am, freshly shaved, on the morning of the trip. In retrospect I look very skinny in this picture, which makes sense because I was still in the midst of dealing with my thyroid condition…